So these are the problems I have with porn: I’m unconvinced, and it’s not sexy. I understand that there are millions of people who disagree with me, including my husband. To these people, I say: whatever.

I generally enjoy good acting and believable plot. This is not to say that I am incapable of willingly suspending my disbelief; it’s that the suspension can only last so long. In Debbie Does Dallas, there is a shower sex scene that is one of the least convincing scenes I have ever watched. Everyone is supposed to be in high school; the men are clearly something like 35 years old, and the woman in this scene has a scar from a cesarean section. I think there was a used bandaid on the floor, although Mike tried to convince me that it was used chewing gum, as if that were somehow more appropriate to the mood. That being said, maybe porn from back in the day is closer to what I should enjoy than what’s available today since the people look like real people, and they actually attempt to tell a story that contains sex instead of consisting of a nebulously linked series of sex vignettes.

Still, I wouldn’t want to attempt to have a conversation with most of the people in Debbie Does Dallas, much less have them touch me. I suppose the degree to which we are creatures of our time can be comical. While the perhaps naïve seventies idea that porn should have plot is appealing to me, I don’t want to see any of those grody seventies people naked ever again. Being a big fan of twenty-first century hygiene standards, and being a fairly unhairy person myself, I present you with the problem I had last night: the hairy girl ass hole. That’s right. I didn’t know this was something women had to deal with. Unfortunately, the girl having the ass-sex in Debbie Does Dallas didn’t deal with it at all. I couldn’t pay much attention to the rest of the movie because I was on the internet researching the hairy girl ass hole phenomenon that my husband assured me was common. So my rating is pretty much for the film up to the point that the ugly hairy-ass-holed girl takes the cock in her colon.